It is once again the time of the year that singles dread and couples use as an excuse to buy each other presents: February 14th, also known as Valentine’s Day. And what better way to celebrate a holiday invented by greeting card companies then to stay in and watch some movies?
Of course, as a film fan I understand that this day will cause division: some people will want to watch happy, romantic and touching movies in tune with the sentiments of the day, but other people will want to watch violent, sadistic and horrific movies as a form of escapism to forget about the fact that they are single. And so, because of this, I present to you, movies for both the Lovers and Haters of Valentine’s Day.
The Lovers, those of you in relationships of course, will want to use this day to watch the lovey dovey mush of sentimental schmaltz: films that promote love and destiny. Whereas the Haters, those of you without a partner (for whatever reason) want to reveal in an embittered state of wrath and retribution (or perhaps just don’t want to have to acknowledge the day at all, as you feel that it promotes the false idea that unless you have someone, you are no one) and so will want to watch films that have absolutely no love in them whatsoever, or propagate the abhorrence of love. These types of films are quite hard to find, but by using my encyclopaedic knowledge of modern cinema, I managed to do it.
So whether or not you are a Lover or a Hater, read on and make your choice from my list: movies to either snuggle up to with that special someone, or movies to get drunk by yourself to. I know which one I‘ll be doing... just need to find my bottle of Jack Daniels and I’m all set!
For Lovers
Valentine’s Day (2010)
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| In Valentine's Day, true love does conquer all! |
I guess no list about Valentine’s day movies could be complete without mentioning, um Valentine’s Day, a film with an all star cast, and multiple plot lines that intersect one another, all to do with love and romance. With several incredibly slushy moments and an uplifting feel good ending, this film is guaranteed to fuel the flames of love for anyone watching it, as its whole purpose is to reiterate the Hollywood idea that there is someone for everyone, and that true love conquers all...
For Haters
Valentine (2001)
A film in which a serial killer dressed as cupid fires arrows into the hearts of his victims pretty much sums Valentine up. If you hate Valentine’s Day with a passion then watch this film as it murders love with a hatchet. The cast of extremely sexy women try their hardest to survive a demented cupid, makes this film even better, as Bond beauty Denise Richards leads the group on the run from a killer that has decided they deserve to be horrifically murdered. A typical horror with some very grisly scenes (including a face being impaled onto a shard of glass), this film was made with people who hate Valentine’s Day in mind- so if that is you, you will be secretly rooting for cupid to claim his victims.
For Lovers
An Affair To Remember (1957)
Starring Carey Grant and Deborah Kerr, this film is the inspiration behind the classic Sleepless In Seattle (another recommendation for all you Lovers out there). Set on a cruise boat travelling from Europe, a singer and an unemployed playboy meet and begin to fall in love. The catch? They are both engaged to their other partners, so they decide to give each other until Valentine’s Day (which is two months away) to break up with their lovers, get professional jobs and then meet on top of the Empire State Building. Everything goes to plan until a tragic accident intervenes…
A film that is guaranteed to make women sob relentlessly (men struggle to understand why), so men if you want your woman crying into your chest (and you win bonus points for comforting her) then this is a must see.
For Haters
Die Hard With A Vengeance (1995)
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| Simon says watch this movie! |
No love. Just action and brotherhood- male bonding over the activities of a deranged German terrorist called Simon. And Simon says that trains will explode, vaults will be broken into and John McClane (Bruce Willis) will kill many people. A very cleverly plotted and executed film, which many say is the best Die Hard movie of them all, mainly because Zeus (Samuel L. Jackson) is dragged into the antics and has to stay alongside John and play the games set by Simon. But why is McClane involved? Is it because he is a cop… or is it because of something more personal? Lots of explosions, gunfire and death mean that you will not be thinking about whatever stupid day it is… and I guess that is a good thing!
For Lovers
Pretty Woman (1990)
Which woman doesn’t love the idea of a prostitute being taken from the streets and made up to look like royalty? Julia Roberts and Richard Gere star as people from two different worlds who ultimately fall in love. The part that women seem to love is the bit when she goes into a posh shop and is told to leave for being too run down, only to come back and tell the manager she isn’t going to spend her money there. For some weird reason, women universally seem to applaud and scream in delight at this one moment: don’t ask me why! For those of you who question the idea of a love film about a prostitute, just try to pretend it is a fairytale rather then reality, because after all: how many hookers look like Julia Roberts (and fall in love with the men who pay them to have sex)?
For Haters
Total Recall (1990)
Arnold Schwarzenegger kills everything he touches in what is probably the best sci-fi/action film of all time. Set in the not too distant future where earth has colonies on Mars, construction worker Douglas Quaid goes to a state of the art travel centre where holidays take place -without leaving your chair- because false memories are inserted into your mind. And Doug wants to go to Mars. But as the procedure is taking place the doctors uncover hidden memories in his brain that suggest he isn’t just an average Joe- he is hiding a huge secret. As Doug is chased by machine gun wielding maniacs, people die in typical 80’s style: extremely gorily. Heads explode, faces melt and people are bludgeoned to death and stabbed through the neck, so there is no love lost here. Lust perhaps, in the form of a sultry sidekick, a sexy scheming wife and a hooker with three breasts, but definitely no love.
For Lovers
The Wedding Singer (1998)
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| He may be a Wedding Singer, but he is also a real romantic! |
An unlucky in love wedding singer (Adam Sandler) finally finds the woman of his dreams (Drew Barrymore): but she is about to be married to a complete idiot. Not only is it very funny, but is also romantic and soppy. Funny bits include when he gets drunk at a wedding, the Boy George impersonator and the rapping Grandma. Romantic bits include the bit when she dances with an overweight child, and the ending on the aeroplane. This movie is a real rarity: a romantic film that both men and women can enjoy.
For Haters
Kill Bill (1&2) (2003/2004)
Okay, I know the film starts with a wedding and there are hints of love in between massacre, but on the whole this is a film about revenge. Revenge against a former lover who killed all of The Bride’s friends and family on her wedding day, shooting her in the head and leaving her to die. Does your love life sound so bad now? I thought not. And that is why Kill Bill is here, because The Bride goes on a whirlwind rampage of revenge to kill Bill. But she leaves him until last- picking off others who took part in her (almost) demise. Does she kill Bill? Well the title would be incredibly misleading if she didn’t, but the journey to get there is extremely fun and very gory- butchering scores of people in increasingly horrific ways. Samurai sword anyone?
For Lovers
You’ve Got Mail (1998)
Joe Fox is a successful chain bookstore owner and Kathleen Kelly owns a small independent children’s bookshop. So when one of his stores moves into her neighbourhood and begins to threaten her business, a fierce rivalry and hated begins between them. But neither of them know that they are actually in love with one another, as they have been previously exchanging love letters over the Internet. How will it end? Well considering the fact it is a chick flick, I think it is obvious that there will definitely not be a murderous rampage ending to this film, instead something touching and heart-warming. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan sparkle in a memorable and sometimes moving rom-com that will melt your heart and make you wish that everyone you met in a chat room wasn’t just a disgusting pervert or paedophile.
For Haters
Single White Female (1992)
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| Love at first sight...? Not really, but one of these women is deranged! |
Allie, a young and beautiful woman is betrayed by her cheating boyfriend, so kicks him out and advertises for a new roommate. Hedy, who replaces him, at first seems perfect, but then turns out to be a psycho stalker. This film is disgustingly dark and disturbing, and although it does include love, it is stalker love between women and it is love of a darker nature, since Hedy is of course a psychopath. Stand out moments include a stiletto heel into someone’s eye (ouch!) and a chase through a basement with a screwdriver. You have to be truly twisted to enjoy this film (like me!), and that is why I thought all of you Haters of love out there would appreciate it.
For Lovers
Sex And The City: The Movie (2008)
Oh dear… Where do I begin? This two and half-hour ball-breaker is definitely one for the ladies. I’m not sure there is any point writing a synopsis for this as every woman reading this article has probably seen it anyway. But will that stop them from re-watching it? I doubt it. But for the benefit of those of you who haven’t had the pleasure (or pain) of viewing it, The Sex And The City Movie is all about Carrie and her friends trying to hold their relationships together. Some relationships end, and others are re-ignited. Some end well, others not so well. But the take home message of this is that men are only there to provide you with a bigger wardrobe, children and/or sex. But there is a wedding, so I guess that the film does promote love… doesn’t it?
For Haters
The Usual Suspects (1995)
Often deemed one of the best films ever made and currently number 25 on IMDB’s top films of all time, this is a thriller/gangster/crime film about everything except love. Cleverly weaving a crime story within a plot about the actually criminals themselves, the films twists and turns, exploding into an unforgettable climax. Kevin Spacey chews the scenery in his Academy Award Winning role, stealing every scene he is in from an all-star cast. Love it or hate it, this is a film you can sink into and enjoy, mainly because there is no love story! And yes, although it is overly long and sometimes tediously boring, it is all worth it for that shocking (not so secret) twist ending.
For Lovers
Grease (1978)
Grease certainly is the word- and this musical classic is extremely romantic. Who could resist sexy hunk Danny or virginal beauty Sandy? Everyone get up and do the hand-jive baby because this is one film that says that people from two different high school cliques can overcome every obstacle put in their way (including Cha-Cha De Goria!) and fall in love despite peer pressure.
On a different note: I have my own theory about the completely random ending. A car flying into the clouds? It’s a metaphor. Two words: car crash. They didn’t make it- as they drove off into the sunset a lorry hit and killed them both. But at least now they can drive Greased Lighting through the clouds in heaven forever and ever…
For Haters
Blade (1998)
A half-human half-vampire hunts and kills vampires. That is it really. Just lots of guns, swords and blood soaked action. There is no love at all, only very sexy women who throw themselves at Blade (including his own mother which is just sick… but on the plus side she is incredibly hot). Can Blade stop a crazy vampire from taking over the world by killing and enslaving all of humanity? The best bits of this film include coagulating heads, the smouldering women and the elaborate and unique death sequences. Blood, gore, sex… Blade has it all… And best of all there is no love plot, as Blade is one cold killer and uses women for one thing and one thing only: well, someone has to hold onto his stake for him, right?
For Lovers
Never Been Kissed (1999)
Extremely schmaltzy, Josey (Drew Barrymore) goes back to high school as an undercover reporter to find out about what the youth of the day like and dislike. But as a geek at school the first time round, she never quite fit in, being tortured and bullied throughout her life. But now she has a second chance to be cool- but only with the help of her loser brother (David Arquette) can she fit in with the popular crowd. This synopsis says nothing about love, but along the way she admits that she has ‘never been kissed’ in the sense that she has never felt love. So will she fall in love with the hunky English teacher? Well… you can guess how it all ends. Everyone learns a valuable lesson and it all ends happily ever after, as long as you can ignore the fact that a teacher illegally and illicitly falls in love with one of his students.
For Haters
My Bloody Valentine (1981 and/or 2009)
The remake was disgusting enough, but the original was even worse. Teenagers get brutally murdered by a psychotic pick axe wielding killer, in grisly and disturbing ways. There is really no love in either film: in the original the killer hates Valentine’s Day and wants to punish everyone who celebrates it, and in the remake, well, he just goes crazy and kills everyone he sees! Neither film is for the faint of heart, as they exude copious amounts of blood and gore, and have incredibly high body counts. As a hater, you will enjoy the fact that innocent teenagers are butchered because they dared to throw romantic parties on Valentine’s Day to commemorate the (not so) special occasion, and boy do they pay a steep price for it!
So to all my readers out there, have a great day, whatever you decide to do with it!
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