Starring: Nicholas D’Agosto, Emma Bell & Miles Fisher
Rating: ★½
I really don’t know what to say about this movie. It’s hard for me to write quite how disappointed I was. I mean, after the brain haemorrhagingly awful The Final Destination, I thought that anything that they did in this series could be better, just by default. But what the fourth film lacked in tension, this film lacked in, well, interestingness. This film was just so... boring! I am a serious horror fan, and I the minimum that I expected from this movie was cool death scenes because that is the point of the entire series, but even they were just... weak. And yes, the tension was built up, which was a vast improvement on the fourth films mantra of ‘let’s just kill as many people as possible in disgusting ways incredibly quickly’, but at least The Final Destination had some ‘fun’ to it, and wasn’t trying to take itself seriously. But Final Destination 5 seemed to literally suck the life out of the franchise and everything that makes the films worth watching.
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| They should be more horrified that they agreed to star in this piece of crap! |
The premise: a group of office workers get on a bus, drive over a bridge, one of them sees a premonition of its collapse and everyone dying, then gets everyone off the bus and so saves everyone, and then they begin to get picked off one by one by death. Okay, we get it, we’ve seen the first four, and if we haven’t, it isn’t difficult to pick this idea up. So why do they incessantly feel that they have to reiterate this throughout the entire film?? The plot was weak enough, but come on, that’s what we expect, but combined with the most mind-numbingly boring exposition, terrible acting, and an incredibly weak script, the whole thing just fell flat: even the death sequences. The script literally went like this:
Character One: “Oh hi. How are you?"
Main Character: “I’m so upset.”
Character One: “Is that because you girlfriend dumped you?”
Main Character: “Yeah, but I still love her.”
Character One: “Oh well, you can move on. Hopefully this trip away will help you to focus on your career.”
Main Character: “But you know that being a Chef is my dream! My boss, you know, the other one I have because I work in the evenings in a restaurant, somehow managing to have two full time jobs, wants me to go to Paris to be better trained in the art of cooking, cos, you know, that’s what a Chef does: cooks and stuff.”
Character Two: “Hi everyone. I’m a bitch with big tits, but I’m just so slightly quirky and not a complete airhead.”
Character Three: “And I’m a gymnast. All I like to do is talk about being a gymnast. I wonder how I will meet my horrific death in 20 minutes time?”
Character Four: “And I’m an ugly womaniser who likes to talk sexy-sexy on the phone. Will I die in a really painful and disgusting way too?”
Character Five: “I’m everyone’s boss who is a complete jerk and can’t remember the main character’s name.”
Main Character: “Wait a second, did someone say Paris?”
Character Six: “No, but I’m the ethnic minority who doesn’t do much but you are meant to kind of like. I have an employee who is a dick. Yes, someone works for me! I’m in charge, and I’m black! See, social mobility can happen in Hollywood movies.”
Main Character: “Where’s my ex-girlfriend, who I still love, not so secretly?”
(His ex girlfriend stands there silently, being blonde. She clearly still loves him too.)
Main Character: “Did someone mention Paris again? Maybe if I keep saying it, then no one in the audience will figure out the big twist at the end, even though I’m not being subtle in anyway at all, and also the only people in the theatre are those who have seen the first four films, and so know the massive significance of Paris. Oops. Did I give too much away? Oh well, it doesn’t matter. No one even gives a shit cos I certainly don’t. It’s not like the director even told me to try to act in this film. I’m just reading the script- look, here it is. Wow. The script sucks. Oh dear, everyone is dying!!”
Maybe I’m being too harsh... but there it is. Perhaps Hollywood needs to try something new, and actually make a film in which the actors, the writer and the director could be bothered to do their jobs properly. Seriously, the acting was piss-poor: they would make the Trojan horse look like the life and soul of a party. Once the bridge falls, there is an awful amount of time spent on them figuring out death is stalking them, and since we know this already, it is just so boring, as is the main character and his ex-girlfriends relationship, clearly added in just to pad out the running time, and to continuously mention Paris. They don't try to do anything new or unique, and they also just rely on the 3D, which, in all fairness, is used well most of the time in the death scenes.
I was going to write more, but I’m getting bored of even thinking about the movie. It just doesn’t deserve my attention. It was crap, even more than you would expect from a bad horror movie. I think that Mark Kermode is right: we expect so little from modern movies that we have shifted our standards to new lows. So don’t bother seeing it. Final Destination 3 was the best one, and will probably remain so. Just watch that one again.
Oh yeah, and there’s a twist at the end that you definitely won’t see coming. Did I mention Paris?
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